My Tormentor

Where is my soul, my faith, my reason?
What happened to my bright dream?
I gave it all to you for the promise of uncharted love and adventure.
In return you became bored and threw it all away with broken drumsticks.
You grow and I cling, vicariously needing your hope.
My need equaled only by your resentment.
Haven thrown out all purpose and sanity, I am left a hollow shell, my guts lined with infection, I ache and crave the relief of your touch.
Survival now is my goal, staying alive my only identity.
I lay on the shelf beside magazines, records, drumsticks, hoping to be the possession you reach for.
Your aspirations become my obsession.
Your attention the only nutrition for my starvation.

The stillness of night surrounds me and quiets the throbbing of rotting emptiness
Darkness distorts vision and relieves my eyes, swollen and red from eternal hysteriical tears.
I struggle to remain awake never to give in to the lull of sleep.

There I again find my dreams, wrinkled and torn like wadded up tissues, I open them and again become my own.
I am fearful of the peace of this slumbre for I know that it only lives in darkness and the sun will rise again only to blast away my clouds of contentment,
memory of a dream that was
Again the light will burn my eyes with reality and pierce my wounds with the familiar pain of your indifference.
Again I will seek the safety of your arms only to find the pain of your violent mood.
Again I will find myself despicable and fight to regain your gaze.

written to RS in 1975

Father

There is a man in my life and although he is not large in stature, he is a giant to me.
When I was unsure of him, he gave me time.
When I was confused, he smiled with understanding.
When I was rebellious, he gave me room to grow
When I called out for help, his willing hand remained close by.
When I was burdened, he took responsibility
When I was doubted, he gave me trust
When I falied at my endeavors, he believed in me still
When I was afraid , he held my hand
When I lonely and sick, he sat with me
When I needed it most, he gave me his love.

Ther is a man in my life and though our blood is not the same,
He is a Father to me.

Black Eyes

Delicious Torcherer

Black eyes hold me with a lazer gaze,
Plunging  ,  falling without gravity,
an ocean of unknown depth
warm mouths search and command...
fishes slither  in transparent jelly.
whirling, drifting, sinking
deeper into dark salty water.

Relentlessly engulfing black eyes
Power and tenderness wrestle for control
No choice remains.

 Intoxication of oceanic whirlpools,
caverns and day-glo coral,
fishes and eels slither without shame
soft yet unyeilding,
teetering on the brink of destruction
Willingly diving, no weight, no time
 uncharted depth

Total surrender to black eyes, lost...
pulse and breath merge
perfect suspension
Only now as I start to drown do
Black eyes release their bondage.

Slowly like an image  in a developing tray
 eyes open to bare white walls,
The air is sticky and smells of ocean caves.
Treacherous black eyes flashing playful smiles of innocence
(surely they are aware of their threat?)

Like a child he wonders if I know who I am with,
Do you like me? meekly, he asks
Thunder roars and my brain evaporates
Ha, shyly I answer, yes.